Real Love

I was struck by the reading for the Evening Office tonight. It was Romans 5:6-10.  To quote part of it: "It is rare that anyone should lay down his life for a just man, though it is barely possible that for a good man someone may have the courage to die.  It is precisely in this that God proves his love for us: that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us."


This is what marriage--what being a Christian-- is supposed to be about.  We are supposed to give ourselves completely to our spouse, to love them, even when they aren't or we feel they aren't loving us with the love we would like.  It says right there that this is how God proved his love for us: by dying for us when we were still sinners; not nice people; not loving and kind people; and most definately not people who returned his love--sinners.

Jesus gives us the ultimate example of love--to give and not expect or want something back in return. Jesus allowed offered himself to die the violent death of a criminal for people who hated him; for people who would never love him. This is mind boggling to someone who can easily retreat  into  interior hurt with the slightest offense.  This means that real love takes a lot of strength and, it goes without saying, a lot of grace.

This means not returning wrong for wrong, or insult for insult; or turning inward to nurse your emotional wounds.  This means being insulted, ignored, feeling unloved and still offering yourself--giving.  It has been said that this is the best way to deal with hurt from another person.  Do something for the person who has hurt you or for someone else so you don't get bogged down in your own troubles and you can be healed.

Mother Theresa comes to mind.  She experienced a dark night of the soul for something like 50 years and, if I am correct, no one but her spiritual director was aware of her inner anguish.  Although she was suffering, she continued her work of helping others and brought Christ to them.  Again, mind boggling, completely self-giving real love.  Wow!

An act of love, an act of will.

Learning to Love Others Over Yourself

"Those who love themselves with a love that seeks themselves and the world--that seeks creatures more than God--are never satisfied--never quiet.  They are always uneasy, always tormented, always upset." Cure d'Ars

This quote reminds me of myself.  This is not because I am always seeking worldy possessions like lots of money and shiny new stuff; but because I want things my own way and I get upset when they aren't.  This is especially true in my relationship with my husband.  I find myself very often looking at what my husband should be doing for me to meet my needs.

But what if I changed my default way of thinking to think more of my husbands needs than my own?
Do you suppose I could be happier if I thought more about someone else than myself?   Am I afraid that if I stop thinking about my own needs more than my husband's that I won't get my needs met?  Yes I guess so.  But maybe the things that I think I so desperately need: that my husband talk with me about deep feelings, ask me out on dates, notice every time I clean the bathroom sink, or whatever aren't really what I need.  Do you suppose that if I start thinking about my husbands needs "most of the time" that God will take care of my needs?  Maybe I shoud stop worrying that my husband isn't meeting my needs and be filled with confidence that Jesus will take care of needs that I didn't even think that I had.  Then perhaps I would stop seeking myself and what I think will make me happy and I would be seeking God.  Maybe then I would stop feeling so "unsatisfied, tormented, uneasy, and upset."

  And yet if I did change to a new other focused way of thinking I would still only be doing what I was supposed to be doing.  "...when  you have done all that you were commanded, say 'We are unworthy servants; we have only done what was our duty'"-Luke 17:10

St. Francis De Sales on Obedience, Chastity, and Poverty

Charity alone places us in perfection.  But the three great means of attaining to it are obedience, chastity, and poverty.  Obedience consecrates our heart, chastity our body, and poverty our worldly means to the love and service of God.  These are the three branches of the spiritual cross, and all have their foundation in the fourth, which is humility...Let us try, then to practice these virtues, each according to his vocation; for if they do not place us in the state of perfection, they will nevertheless give us perfection itself.  Moreover, we are all bound to practice these three virtues, although not all to practice them in the same way.  --From the chapter entitled "Obedience" from An Introduction to the Devout Life by St. Francis  De Sales

I came across the above quote yesterday which gives me a much better understanding of the virtues of obedience, chastity, and poverty that I attempted to write about in my last post.  St. Francis De Sales puts it so beautifully and simply doesn't he?  I am especially drawn to the statement about obedience, chastity, and poverty consecrating our heart, body, and worldy means to the love and service of God.  It is a reminder to me that practicing virtue isn't an end in itself to satisfy my pride, but is supposed to lead me to love of God and neighbor. 

Parallels Between Nun and Homemaker

I started writing this way back on February 10 after I saw the Sisters of Mary Mother of the Eucharist featured on Oprah (which can still probably be seen on You Tube) and decided to pick it up again this week:

I saw the Dominican Nuns from Ann Arbor on Oprah yesterday.   They inspired me as a lay person who is a stay at home wife and mother.  Many of them talked about leaving the world because of feelings of emptiness and how at the end of their lives none of the things they owned would matter.  As stay-at-home wives and mothers who are aiming to follow the teachings of the church we leave the world in a certain sense as well.  We practice poverty, obedience, and chastity in our own state of life.

Poverty
We practice poverty by leaving behind an added income and a profession away from our homes and families which would perhaps give us more recognition and importance in the eyes of the culture.  We are giving these things up because we believe this is the way we can best serve God and bring our families to God despite lack of money for our children's college eduction, a better house, better clothes, paying off debt sooner and whatever else, understanding, like the sisters, that in the end bringing our families and ourselves to heaven is the only thing that matters.

Obedience
As Catholic women who have come to believe that what our church teaches is the truth, we have been graced enough to come to understand that children are a blessing and we tend to have more of them than every body else (or at least desire to) which stretches that one income even farther.  Our children, in turn, give us the opportunity to  practice obedience by requiring that we give up the ability to do what we want whenever we want to which allows God to make us more like him--to give of ourselves for love. 

Chastity
Like the nuns, who are celebate, we too are practicing chastity in a way that the world does not understand.  Within the context of marriage, the sexual act is a gift, and although meant to be pleasureable, requires total self-giving and sacrifice.  If we are in a position to avoid conception we do this through periodic abstinance, which brings with it the cross of loving sacrifice.  If something artificial is used to prevent conception a barrier is placed between the couple.  Husband and wife are called to give their whole selves to each other--even their fertility-- so that their love can literally bring forth new life.   How different this is from our culture's views of sexuality where it seems like the freedom to have sex any time without the unwanted result of children is what is valued most.

Of course, it goes without saying that "leaving the world" does not only apply to nuns and housewives but to any Christian who is making it a priority to follow Jesus in this life.  There are many different ways to practice poverty, obedience and chastity for the sake of love in every day life.  We can learn much from holy religious orders who perhaps provide us with a more tangible and literal example of being "set aside for Christ." 

Thoughts on Mother Theresa and Marriage

I read somewhere that when Mother Theresa was a child and her father came home, her mother would always drop whatever she was doing and immediately go to greet her husband with a smile. 

I've also heard that Mother Theresa told her sisters to not let it be said that a married woman loved her spouse more than they loved Jesus their spouse.

These two things seem to be related to one of the things that Mother Theresa is fond of talking about:  smiling at God--even when you don't feel like it.

There are a few things that come to my mind:

1) Isn't it amazing how much we can learn from a celebate nun about how to love our husbands?

2) That how much we love our husbands is directly related to how much we love God; and how much we love God is related to how much we love our husbands.

3) How much of an influence M. Theresa's parents love for each other must have had on teaching her about how to love God and others.

4) It is important for me to love my husband in such a way that my children understand what it is to love and be loved.  This means smiling at my husband--even when I don't feel like it.  This is how to set an example of holiness.

Mother Theresa, pray that those of us living the vocation of marriage learn how to love truly and deeply.

Where It's At

After mass a few months ago I talked with a woman who had just had her ninth child.  I went over to talk to her and show my two year old her new baby.  She said something about how it is so good to come and see everybody at church.  I replied with sympathy, "You probably don't get out a lot, do you?" implying that with nine kids 12 and under it must be difficult.  She said without blinking, "It's overrated."
 
I have to admit I was slightly taken aback.  Getting out of the house is what we all long for as stay at  home wives and mothers, isn't it?  Yet in her brief answer she expressed a firm sense of purpose as a homemaker and mother that said, "The rest of the world doesn't know what it's talking about, staying home with the kids is where it's at because this is important and fulfilling work."  She implied that being blessed with nine beautiful children was way more important than being able to do whatever you want whenever you want to.  She radiated a sense of joy and confidence that made me think (despite all my doubts) that staying home with the kids really is "where it's at."

Though it is still nice to get out occasionally, too. 

Small Successes Vol. 3

1.  I think after four years I have finally found contentment (although imperfect)and have come to see the dignity inherent in being a wife and mother and how it is a truly great things to be able to stay home and take care of your own children.  This waxes and wanes, of course, but it it is gradually becoming more consistent.  I am starting to believe that this is really the place I am supposed to be.

2.  I went to see my three nephews who are visiting their dad (my brother).  There is a good chance they will be here next week too.  I was hoping to see them twice this week but don't think we'll make it.  I am hopeful that I wll be seeing them more this summer.

3.  I made it to a play group that was started by someone from our homeschool group and I was glad that I did.  It ended up being a lot of fun.  I thought about bringing my nephews but decided we would see how it went with just us first.  Maybe next time.

Thanks for stopping by! For more small successes click on the above logo.

Feeding the Other Side of Me

 I am (as I think we all are) trying to figure out who I am and who God wants me to be.  Being a wife and mother is pretty much a given and, as I wrote about here, should be the starting point and the basis of everything else that I do.   I am a wife and mother who cooks, cleans, launders, teaches, plays with her kids(notice how the cooking and cleaning are at the beginning of the list--that needs to change).  The domestic side of me romanticizes (romanticizes?) about frugal, "self-sufficient" living with more homemade and less store bought.  This includes gardening, canning and freezing, cloth diapers, hanging laundry out to dry on a clothes line, making homemade bread, raising our own milk cow(maybe) and chickens (maybe).  Everything except livestock  are all very realistic possibilities at the moment.  Included in this domestic dream are three more kids (at least!) by the age of 46. 
Then there is the other side of me who thinks, "More kids!?"  Won't that just prevent me from doing what I want to do?  I want to go out with friends for coffee.  I want to go see concerts in Chicago.  I want to find a career when the kids I have now get old enough (at least that's what I tell myself sometimes).  I want to travel to Europe and sit in a cafe with a glass of wine and brush up on my French.  I want to do the things I have never gotten to do before it's too late.  I also want to be able to do age appropriate things with my oldest; things that we can't do with the little ones along. 

But I need to stop and ask myself:  what are the truly important things in life, and what is God asking of me?  Won't God provide me with the things I truly need?  And won't the things that God wants for me provide more happiness and fulfillment than anything that I could ever hope for myself?  In fact maybe I already have everything or at least the opportunity for everything that I mentioned above inside and outside of the domestic realm.

The truth is, I procrastinate.  I don't call to sign up for that continuing education French class; I put off calling up a friend to go out for coffee;  I fail to take advantage of the plentiful concerts and museums in my own community; and I put off looking for a baby sitter for the two little ones so my husband, teenage son and I can go out to a movie or concert together. And the truth be known, the more years that go by, the more content I am to stay at home and sip wine or just go away for a weekend a few hours away in  Wisconsin.  (Did you know they have vinyards there?)  And I am growing more and more content as a housewife and grateful that I can focus much of my time and energy on the domestic front.

So perhaps the answer to my dilemma is that God has already offered me so many opportunities to enrich my life with things that I would like to do but I haven't been doing my part.  He is also gradually putting new, more important desires for domestic things in my heart to replace less important desires for what one may consider more glamorous things. So yes, I still have interest in things not seemingly related to the domestic front; and I can still do these things if I put in the effort but at the same I am developing a true love for my domestic responsibilities and know that they are of eternal value.

Thinking of Saint Gianna Beretta Molla for Mother's Day

I have started to reread the biography entitled Saint Gianna Beretta Molla: A Woman's Life by Giuliana Pelucchi.  It occurs to me that this is an appropriate selection as Mother's Day is coming this Sunday.  Gianna Beretta Molla lived from 1922-1962.  She was a wife, mother, and physician.  During her fourth and final pregnancy a tumor was discovered next to her uterus.  Instead of choosing abortion or to have her uterus removed (which would be allowed by the church but would have obviously resulted in the death of her child) she chose the course of treatment that was the riskiest for her own life and ended up dying shortly after the birth of her child.  It is said that her whole life was devoted to the will of God which prepared her for her final, heroic act.  I think she is a great inspiration for those of us in the vocation of marriage and I am always moved whenever I read about her.  I ran across the Litany of Saint Gianna Beretta Molla and thought it was particularly beautiful.  I have included the concluding prayer from the litany below:

Lord of life, we thank You for the heroic witness of

Saint Gianna Beretta Molla. You have taught us that

there is no greater love than to lay down one’s life

for others. Saint Gianna did this, not only as she

gave birth to her last child, but also in her everyday

life as she died to herself so that she could live

wholly for You. What selflessness we see in her!

Help us, we pray, that through the intercession of

Saint Gianna, our society may regain a sense of the

sacredness of all human life. Fill us with her spirit

of courage to suffer any struggle rather than deny

You and the sanctity of human life. We ask You

this through our Lord, Jesus Christ, your son, who

lives and reigns with You and the Holy Spirit, one

God, forever and ever. Amen

(Composed by a priest from Alabama and offered to

the Society of Saint Gianna Beretta Molla)

Focusing on Motherhood

My primary job as a wife and mother is to lead my family to Christ.  This idea gave me a great deal of comfort today as I was going about my duties.  Whether I am a mother who stays at home or works outside the home this should be my primary focus.  It's the same for career women or for those of us at home and everything in our lives should be about this purpose. 

If I am a stay-at-home mom and am constantly grouchy and impatient with my children, am I fulfilling my duty in leading my children to Christ?  The answer, of course, is a resounding "no."  If taking some time away from the kids would make me a more loving mother then this is what I should do since it would help me fulfill my purpose in leading my children to Christ. 

If, as a career woman, my job were keeping me from making this the first priority in my life then, as with the full time homemaker, I would need to consider what changes I may need to make, such as working less hours, getting a different job, etc. in order to put my priorities in line.

I struggle with what it means to be a wife, mother and homemaker sometimes; but keeping in mind that marriage is my number one vocation helps me to realize that this needs to be my primary focus no matter what my "job" is. 

Seven Quick Takes (Vol. 13)

1.  This hasn't been the best week.  Does anyone else ever wonder if they should really be a stay at home mom?    Does anyone feel like they are missing out by not working outside the home?  Is it one of those green grass on the otherside things?  I think I will feel better when I start playing in the symphony again on a regular basis.  I also plan on getting out for a "Mother's Sabbath" tomorrow. 

2.  I'm naturally introverted so sometimes its just hard getting started with the ideas I have for doing things outside the home, which include:   Working up some music to play with my son (and husband?, and sister too?)at nursing homes, playing at church (I have inquired about this before but nothing ever seems to come of it), just picking up my bass and playing at home would be a good start. 

3.  I have mixed feelings about homeschooling.  As of today we are planning on sending Angelboy to the public highschool.  I feel a little sad about this and of course wonder if it is the right thing to do.  But I also wonder of continuting to homeschool would be the right thing to do.  When homeschooling goes well I really enjoy it (and maybe he does too), but at the same time sending him to highscool may quite possibly free up a lot of my time and I may have more time to spend with Angelboy doing things other than schooling.  He really likes the idea of going to highschool as I think he wants to know if he can handle the academic challenges of a more structured environment.

4.  Pumpkingirl no longer gets herself into a tither whenever I suggest she "goes potty."  Perhaps this is a sign that bigger things are to come. 

5.  Tonight is "date night" and I don't know where we are going as I insisted that it be a surprise.  I am looking forward to it.

6.  My current blogging goal is to get at least two posts a week in anyway that I can; the rest is gravy.  This is my third post this week so I'm doing fine.

7.  I haven't done any quick takes since before Lent so it feels good to be back...though I don't know how regularly I will be doing quick takes.  It seems like Friday isn't a very good blogging day for me and (as has been said before) quick takes aren't always so quick.

Have a good weekend and stop by to see Jen at conversion diary for more quick takes.

Some Good Thoughts

The days of Christmas are dwindling but I came across "The Perfect Christmas Gift" from the blog A Wise Woman Builds Her Home. It tells of "the perfect Christmas gift" to our husbands, our children, our parents, ourselves , and our Heavenly Father. I like this post because it gives very specific ideas that are things that I struggle with. It provides some much needed guidance to myself. Here are some of the parts that jumped out at me:

Our Husbands
"Build him up with your words and vow to never tear him down again. Help him with his weak areas. Love your husband and forgive him of His shortcomings the way Christ has forgiven you. I don't think he'll want to return or exchange this kind of a gift!"

Our Children
In a spirit of kindness, meekness, patience and joy, spend time with them for this is really what they want--not that toy you fretted over purchasing that will sit in the corner untouched for much of the year. (italics mine)

Our Parents
"Respect them and love them because of who they are and do not remind yourself of their failings...Love them unconditionally because they need Christ just as much as you do. "