A Shy Person's Prayer

I really wish that I were the kind of person that could walk up and have a friendly conversation with anybody.  I'm not.  Although I do have an introverted personality,  I love connecting and talking with people and when the conditions are right I do. 

For example, I would love to talk to my neighbor who is also a musician, and a well known one around town at that. I dream of striking up a conversation about how I used to play in a band with someone who is in his band and how he would find out about how I played bass and then he would want to get together and jam or maybe he would let me sit in with him on a number or two at a gig. But at best I give him a little wave from across the yard.  

Is this something I should offer up and take as just being the way things are or should I be less passive and take more chances?  Is it right for me to ask God to give me the strenght to be more social with people or do I need to take a step in that direction first using sheer will to make the first move?  I know the real answer is to step out in faith and God will provide everything else needed to do his will.  I could really use a swift kick in the rear from the Holy Spirit.
Dear Lord, help me to reach out in love to my neighbor.  Give me words and courage.  Heal me from hurts incurred from others when I have tried reaching out in the past so that I may be able to speak with confidence and joy.  Sometimes I feel trapped in my own fear of certain people and situations.  Help me to overcome this so that I may experience peace in the joy of communion with my fellow man.

It's Advent and I'm Trying not to Stress

Every year personal and spiritual growth during Advent means letting go of preconceived ideas for a perfect Christmas.  This seems especially true for me this year.  My husband is winding down his months of working mandatory overtime and I have been playing in the symphony for a rehearsal or a concert every Sunday this Advent except for the last one.  So it seems there is even less time to "get it all done" than in previous years and it has been very difficult to get day to day tasks done around the house: laundry, cleaning, having supper on the table every night and it seems like a lot to think about getting ready for Christmas on top of all this.

Given the fact that it's so easy to feel overwhelmed, I'm really trying to let God guide me toward what he thinks is important for me to do realizing that we are his children and it should really be up to him to decide what kind of Christmas we have.  This means focusing on love. My focus should be on finding ways to better love God and my family.  If I focus on love and what is truly important than I think I may be less likely to feel anxious and overwhelmed which causes me to not be very loving. 

This may mean playing with my children instead of focusing so much on housework or just trying to keep my cool during tantrums and--what I find the most stressful part of the day--getting supper on the table.  I will need help from Jesus and Mary, of course.  It's difficult to not want to blame your husband for the house being a mess or the fact that  you haven't had time to do any planning for Christmas.  This is when it is important to trust God.  Don't sweat it.  Do your little part and it will all turn out o.k. even if it is not exactly what you wanted.

Practically speaking it helps to have manageable, realistic goals for each day with something I want to accomplish in the various categories of housework, child rearing, prayer, and Christmas planning as this helps to stay focused and I feel better when you know what you want to do and then accomplish at least some of it.

I think that working toward the material things that help in celebrating Christmas such as good food, special treats, presents can also help to prepare us spiritually for Christmas if we do it with a spirit of love and joy keeping in mind the celebration that we are fortunate enough to share with our family and the reason we are celebrating.  It's a matter of balance which begins with trusting God and keeping anxiety at bay.

Any suggestions about keeping things in perspective are appreciated.

Where It's At

After mass a few months ago I talked with a woman who had just had her ninth child.  I went over to talk to her and show my two year old her new baby.  She said something about how it is so good to come and see everybody at church.  I replied with sympathy, "You probably don't get out a lot, do you?" implying that with nine kids 12 and under it must be difficult.  She said without blinking, "It's overrated."
 
I have to admit I was slightly taken aback.  Getting out of the house is what we all long for as stay at  home wives and mothers, isn't it?  Yet in her brief answer she expressed a firm sense of purpose as a homemaker and mother that said, "The rest of the world doesn't know what it's talking about, staying home with the kids is where it's at because this is important and fulfilling work."  She implied that being blessed with nine beautiful children was way more important than being able to do whatever you want whenever you want to.  She radiated a sense of joy and confidence that made me think (despite all my doubts) that staying home with the kids really is "where it's at."

Though it is still nice to get out occasionally, too. 

Feeding the Other Side of Me

 I am (as I think we all are) trying to figure out who I am and who God wants me to be.  Being a wife and mother is pretty much a given and, as I wrote about here, should be the starting point and the basis of everything else that I do.   I am a wife and mother who cooks, cleans, launders, teaches, plays with her kids(notice how the cooking and cleaning are at the beginning of the list--that needs to change).  The domestic side of me romanticizes (romanticizes?) about frugal, "self-sufficient" living with more homemade and less store bought.  This includes gardening, canning and freezing, cloth diapers, hanging laundry out to dry on a clothes line, making homemade bread, raising our own milk cow(maybe) and chickens (maybe).  Everything except livestock  are all very realistic possibilities at the moment.  Included in this domestic dream are three more kids (at least!) by the age of 46. 
Then there is the other side of me who thinks, "More kids!?"  Won't that just prevent me from doing what I want to do?  I want to go out with friends for coffee.  I want to go see concerts in Chicago.  I want to find a career when the kids I have now get old enough (at least that's what I tell myself sometimes).  I want to travel to Europe and sit in a cafe with a glass of wine and brush up on my French.  I want to do the things I have never gotten to do before it's too late.  I also want to be able to do age appropriate things with my oldest; things that we can't do with the little ones along. 

But I need to stop and ask myself:  what are the truly important things in life, and what is God asking of me?  Won't God provide me with the things I truly need?  And won't the things that God wants for me provide more happiness and fulfillment than anything that I could ever hope for myself?  In fact maybe I already have everything or at least the opportunity for everything that I mentioned above inside and outside of the domestic realm.

The truth is, I procrastinate.  I don't call to sign up for that continuing education French class; I put off calling up a friend to go out for coffee;  I fail to take advantage of the plentiful concerts and museums in my own community; and I put off looking for a baby sitter for the two little ones so my husband, teenage son and I can go out to a movie or concert together. And the truth be known, the more years that go by, the more content I am to stay at home and sip wine or just go away for a weekend a few hours away in  Wisconsin.  (Did you know they have vinyards there?)  And I am growing more and more content as a housewife and grateful that I can focus much of my time and energy on the domestic front.

So perhaps the answer to my dilemma is that God has already offered me so many opportunities to enrich my life with things that I would like to do but I haven't been doing my part.  He is also gradually putting new, more important desires for domestic things in my heart to replace less important desires for what one may consider more glamorous things. So yes, I still have interest in things not seemingly related to the domestic front; and I can still do these things if I put in the effort but at the same I am developing a true love for my domestic responsibilities and know that they are of eternal value.

God's Will as Offering Opportunities to Love

I wrote this a few days ago.  It doesn't say anything that others haven't said before, but I thought it would help me retain it in my brain better if I wrote about it.  It seems like God has given me plenty of chances to put it into practice since then.  Whether I have responded well or not to these chances is another story.  Here it is:

I was just reading a short meditation in  My Daily Bread by Anthony J. Paone, S.J. entitled "Obstacles to Peace of Soul."  The only way to true and lasting peace is God's will.  The question is asked,"Am I trying to embrace God's holy will in all that happens to me each day?"  This calls to my mind the little daily annoyances that easily make me loose patience or can throw me into a blue mood.  For example, when the baby won't take a nap, thus interfering with my quiet time or, when I feel like my husband has been thoughtless which can throw me "out of joint." Perhaps if I changed my perspective about these things and saw them as God's will, I would be more patient and cheerful or at least try harder to be more patient and cheerful rather than allow myself to become downcast so easily.

On a retreat that I attended recently the presiding priest suggested that we look at the list of sins that we tell at confession as missed opportunities to love.  Perphaps these "little annoyances" that happen in every day life can be seen as opportunities to love.  In order to love more I can be kind and patient even when I feel like my husband isn't loving me in the way that I want to be loved; and I can accept and trust that God is giving me what I need even though I am not getting  what I want (i.e. the said quiet time) at a given moment.  In fact, it is almost certain that the opportunity to love more is why God allows these "little annoyances" in the first place.

Fasting to Feasting

The idea that God alone suffices is what kept going through my mind this Lent.  Many times I look to food for comfort so this Lent I worked to moderate my food intake by such things as: no snacking on popcorn, eating cereal instead of baked goods or bread with jam for breakfast, eating only one serving per meal, limiting snacks of all kinds, and mostly no sweets and junk food.  These were only general guidelines and not  hard and fast rules.  Nevertheless,  I generally stuck pretty close to this plan.Whenever I had a longing to eat something for comfort I told myself that, "Jesus is enough for me"  keeping in mind that the things of this world will pass away and provide us with only temporary pleasure and that lasting happiness can only come from God. 

So now that Easter is here (alleiluia) what attitude am I to take?  It's a time for feasting right?  In past years as soon as Easter rolled around I went back to my same old habits and of course overindulged on all the Easter candy.  I heard someone on Catholic Radio say that if you gave up chocolate for Lent then you should eat chocolate every day for Easter meaning that Easter is a time of feasting and a time to enjoy the gifts of God (being temperate was implied). So this is the approach I am trying to take.  I have been finding Easter candy at deep discounts at the stores and I have been buying it with the idea that I will eat only a little every day and not the whole bag at once.  So how have I been doing?  Well...  Better than I have done in past years.  Yesterday I had only one ice cream cone and 4 small marshmallow eggs and only the ears off of a small Hershey's bunny.  That kind of sounds like a lot; and maybe it is not ideal; but considering how I am, that's not bad, and after all we are supposed to be feasting, right?  Does anyone have any ideas about this?  I would love some input.

Knowing When Enough is Enough

It's difficult to know what to do with people you love who have a lot of chaos in their lives, and therefore, bring a lot of chaos into your life.  It seems there comes a certain point when all you can say is enough is enough.  They are not doing you any good by knowingly, or unknowingly, trying to get as much as they can from you; and you are not doing them any good by giving them more help than they need.  This only results in having them become overly-reliant on you for your support when they should be learning to take care of themselves.  There comes a point when you have done all you can do for them.  The only thing you have left to give them are your prayers. The rest is up to them to provide for themselves.

Moving On

Today is a rainy spring day in Iowa. Son is away on a day long youth retreat at our church that is being led by the Brothers of St. John from Peoria, Illinois.

Husband, baby and I went to do some work on cleaning up our condo that we will finally be putting on the market again. Although we were originally intending to sell it, we had rented it out to some relatives as they had three small children and the place where they were living wasn't fit due to landlord negligence and exploitation. We gave them more than a fair deal but unfortunately the place ended up getting trashed so here we are again spending thousands to clean it up and put it back on the market.

It feels like we have had to work hard (and are still working) to get our lives and our finances back together. Husband was unemployed about two years ago for a few months which was what really put us in the hole. We are also gradually getting out of a traumatic situation (of which the condo situation is only part of the story )where we were able to help some of our family during a difficult time but now are looking to move on as we have continued to take less and less responsibility for these peoples' lives.

I know these particular family members really did need our help, but we also had a tendency to take on more responsiblity for them than we should have. It is time to let go as we have been and let them take responsiblity for their own lives. We have done what we could for them and now it is God's hands and theirs.

Day 1

Yesterday was day 1 of my husband and son being gone to camp. Did I do anything that I had aimed to do. Yes!

I spent some time organizing/cleaning in the basement.
I went for a walk with Clare in her stroller and practiced Tae Kwon Do. (This wasn't on my list but it should have been.)
And finally a friend ended up calling me yesterday thank goodness (I'm terrible at taking the time to call people) and I am going to go to her house today.
I vacumed too.

Not too bad. I really need to practice my bass though. Maybe today.

Self-Searching

Well husband and 12 year old son are away until Sunday. I am home alone with baby girl, now 10 months, for the rest of the week. Here is a list of what I hope to accomplish:

1. Declutter basement
2. Practice music
3. Visit friend(s)
4. Work on my rule of life-house work scheduled
5. Blog
6. Think about what I need to do for myself or self-searching

What do I need to think about in my self-searching?

I need to think about any perfectionism that I have that is not from God. How do I "rule over" my husband and my son? I feel that I need to make sure my husband does what he is supposed to being in : taking care of his diabetes, gettng enough sleep, making sure he stays on schedule and I'm sure I will think of a few other things. Whew! how exhausting! Why do I feel I need to take care of these things for him? How can I let go of the need to control?

I was thinking about this yesterday and today and was wondering if I look at his imperfections because I am afraid to deal with my own. Does it keep me from having to examine my own life? I was thinking about this when I was decluttering the basement yesterday. There is so much of my stuff that I keep that I don't need to keep and I have in the past looked at the stuff he has held onto and judged it as being worthless.

I also need to look at what I need to do to have more joy in my life. It was recently brought up at a homeschool mom retreat that we were meant to have joy in our vocation and that it is our obligation to find out what is taking away our joy. There are so many times when I am angry when I am depressed. Why is this? The question is , "What is taking away my joy or, "What do I need to do to bring more joy into my life or to at leasts allow more joy into my life?"

Something that I think would make a difference in my life would be to reach out to people and form close relationships with others outside my family. Husband and I have always talked about having people over for dinner but we never do. There are some women in the homeschool group that I would love to talke to more at length and in depth about marriage, children, etc. I will think about this.

I have so much to be grateful for

My mother suffered so much while on this earth. All she wanted was to be a good Catholic wife and mother which unfortunately didn't work out due to my father's mental illness as well as some of her own problems that were never resolved. I have every thing that she ever wanted in my life: a faithful Catholic husband, wonderful children, the opportunity to stay home and take care of my family. Mother pray for me that I may appreciate and be humbled by all that I have.